While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
