We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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