How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
