i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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