Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
