i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
