Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
