I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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