Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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