shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
