I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
