sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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