so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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