I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
