You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
