This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
