I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
