you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
