Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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