I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
false alarm. still invincible.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
