She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
