It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck