Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
