my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
