The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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