after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
