New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i've created a new STD.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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