My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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