I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
