I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
