grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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