I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize