the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.