she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not