So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.