someone threw a dead crab at me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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