i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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