Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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