When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
