i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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