a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
if only i could text you this smell
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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