I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
