Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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