I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
