i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
