just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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