Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
a search helicopter?!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
