well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
