I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
