Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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