i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
