i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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