He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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