"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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