I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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