someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
