I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
