My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
