you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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