Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
