i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
